Friends

i had a dream last night, where i wasn't quite me, i was someone else, nobody recognised me, but i found myself repeating old situations with all the same people again and again, only it was all new for them, because i was someone else. and i could think to myself "do something different" but it all turned out the same, hurt and bitterness, over and over.

my hard drive is fucked, i'm formatting it now, which means i have no memories, no records of the last five years, no pictures or songs or anything, all of my work, all of my ideas, erased. i must start afresh. a little depressing, i had quite a nice music collection on there, but i suppose i can download the 80-odd Gb of music again.

perhaps no memories is a good thing, i have nothing to provoke me now, the look over and remember how it was and how it could have been, regret shall not touch me now, i have nothing to think of.

"if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you"

i am alone in myself, ready to expand and build, to turn myself into something great and terrible. stride forward, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

stop reading, stop thinking, stop existing.

it seems i only write when i feel bad, to let it out? i'm not sure it really helps, still just have to wait for the feeling to fade and normalacy to resume.

i wish i could define myself, that i could say 'this is who i am'. i have clues and ideas, but no real sense of self. i have awful co-dependancy issues, i've been aware of this for a long while, i don't do well without that other person, and i need to break myself of this, i still feel lost now, how long has it been? and i don't want to,

i want to be me first and a part of something as an addition to that, not as a necessity. i keep repeating this inside my head, it's entirely new, can i cope with this? tempting to slip into old roles, but new ones don't fit quite as they should. i don't like this game everyone seems to play, it's never been my thing, i just get carried away.

stop and think, what do i want?

sleep is the answer.

last band practice of the year today. hope it goes well, we've got lots to prepare for. no more gigs until we've scraped the money together to record a new EP. it should be good, i hope, lots of new material ready to go. gigs are getting better, we're upstaging everyone else it seems at the minute, how bizarre.

i have to keep reminding myself to move, to breathe, i'm getting lost in my head today, not entirely bad, but a bit melancholic, i don't know. i'm always wonddering about the past, would i erase it all if i could? probably, wipe the slate clean, it'd be nice perhaps, to be something different, but i am what i am, i can accept that. i try to be nice, it pays off sometimes.

life isn't too bad really, all so different in a short space of time, i shouldn't really feel negative things, but i know these feelings will linger for so long, i just have to get on with things and push them away.

and i'm back in the room, familiar faces, same old situations, it makes me smile, it's the comfortable moments, where nothing has to happen, where we can just exist and leave it at that, i can relax for a moment, one of the few, but they seem to be on the up, why am i always so tense? it makes no sense, time to stop. relax....


all's clear on the western front

- dismissed.

i had a good day yesterday, life wasn't too bad. i actually felt happy. surely not!

twinges of regret, and flashes of anger, smaller and more manageable, to the back of my mind, where they can crumble and fade away. i make my life difficult, but i seem to carry on anyway, i cope, not always well, but i do.

positive thinking, people keep telling me how good i am, people who know me and people who don't, it seems like a conspiracy, but paranoia plays no part here, it's a good thing, i smile at the fact people seem to feel the need to tell me this.

let go of the past, i'll relax like i do so well apparently, when all around are spitting knives, just lie back and say it doesn't matter, i'm here to enjoy myself.

let's see what tomorrow brings.